Kill a Kitten
by James' Lily Flower
Summary: Sirius comes up with a rather strange way of wooing Lily Evans. To the song Kill a Kitten by stephen Lynch. ONESHOT


**Okay, a silly fic really... just a bit of fun, because I have been listening to Kill a Kitten by Stephen Lynch a lot. I love it... and I know it's not meant to be taken seriously at all. I'm getting annoyed at the comments on the song on youtube. I suggest you listen to the song before you read this, or you'll think I'm conpletely strange. (I understand if you do already). I'll post a link towards the top of my profile.**

**Also please check out my new writers group, I'd love people to join and you can get more information on the homepage. (.com/james-lily-flower)**

**Just had to write this. I hope you like it. And I'd appriciate feedback! :) **

**Love JLF xoxo**

**Kill a Kitten**

James Potter was sat on his bed, sighing at his latest _tragedy _with Lily Evans, whom he claimed to be the love if his life. Sitting across the room from him was Remus Lupin, one of his closest friends. Remus was reading a leather-bound book on potions, trying to find information for a particularly tricky essay.

James' other close friend, Sirius Black had gone off to the kitchen in hope if finding something to eat.

It was a cool but dry afternoon in the middle of May. Usually James would have been using the good weather to show off his excellent flying skills to the girls within the school but he was too depressed from his meeting with Lily Evans that morning.

He'd been at breakfast and noticing the blue sky, had decided to take a good fill so he had lots of energy for flying. That was the moment Lily had walked into the hall. He'd been joking with Sirius, in quite a normal manner. Lily had sat down next to him to as a question on a project Professor Flitwick had given them. In his surprise at her sitting by his side, he knocked a goblet of pumpkin juice all over her. She'd been furious and yelled at him for ages. He'd tried to apologise to her. But she wouldn't listen to him. He'd spent the rest of the day sitting on his bed.

The door bust open and in rushed Sirius. James lifted his head and raised an eyebrow at the obvious excitement on his best friend' face.

"Prongs," Sirius exclaimed, "I've found a way to solve your Evans problems."

James frowned. "What?" he asked dumbly.

"You have to kill a kitten," Sirius stated proudly.

"What the hell?!" James said, unable to make any sense of his friend's words.

"She said it herself…" Sirius insisted, "Listen…"

He launched into his recital of the words Lily had spoken.

"_If the one you love,_

_Isn't quite as smitten,_

_She'll love you better,_

_If you kill a kitten."_

When he'd finished he gave a wide smile and said, "See?"

"Really?" James asked, in surprise. "Lily said that?"

"Yeah, go on," Sirius said, "you _need _to kill a kitten."

"Sure," James replied, standing, "where do I get a kitten from, Padfoot?"

"Alice has a new one," Sirius suggested, "I'm sure she won't mind if you kill it to make her best friend happy."

"James… it's a…" Remus started.

James left the room as Remus finished his sentence.

"A muggle song."

---------

It took James a while to find Alice's kitten, it was lying on one of the windowsills off the fifth year girls' dorm. It was lying, stretched out in the sun.

He'd had to fly around the outside of Gryffindor tower as his attempts to get into the girls' dormitory by the stairs had proved fruitless.

He picked it up by the scruff of the neck and carried it under one arm, not too worried should it fall for it would be killing a kitten. But he would like to prove to Lily he had done the deed.

The kitten meowed and looked at him with pale blue eyes.

"There no use looking at me like that," James said firmly, "it won't help you."

He checked his silver potions knife was still tucked safely in his pocket. He thought it would be a rather horrid way to kill the poor creature, not that he relished in the thought of killing it anyway.

He'd never thought Lily to be a blood-thirsty person, but if she wanted him to do it, he would.

He gently touched down at the entrance of the castle and sprinted up to the Gryffindor Common Room.

The fat lady gave him a suspicious glance as she let him in, but said nothing to him.

Lily was sitting to one corner, her quill speeding across the page. James held the kitten firmly as he walked up behind her.

"Hello, Evans," he greeted.

She looked up. "Potter," she stated, obviously remembering the mishap that morning.

He smiled at her, shifting the small weight of the kitten in his arms.

"Potter, why the hell do you have Alice's cat?" Lily asked him.

"I'm killing a kitten," he assured her.

"What?" she said in confusion, furrowing her eyebrows.

"You said it yourself…" James replied.

"What did I say?" Lily wondered aloud. "Potter, what did I say to suggest that?"

"_If the one you love,_

_Isn't quite as smitten,_

_She'll love you better,_

_If you kill a kitten." _

He recited the words just as Sirius had to him.

"Oh" Lily said, looking very surprised. She blinked. And then bit her lip. "Ohhhh, Potter! Come here." She picked up a modified version of a muggle walkman, specially adapted to work in Hogwarts. She played with a few of the buttons until she found what she was looking for. A strumming of guitar chords started as a song started playing.

_When the game of life makes you feel like quittin',  
It helps a lot if you kill a kitten  
Mark my words, cause from where I'm sittin',  
You can't go wrong if you kill a kitten_

A drum kit entered in the singer whispered.

_There's no crime that you'll be commitin'  
I know the law, you can kill a kitten  
If you need yarn for that scarf you're knittin'  
You'll get plenty when you kill a kitten_

_Feed it turpentine, or break its spine,  
Crush it with your shoe, as long as you...  
Kill a kitten,_

_If the one you love isn't quite as smitten,  
She'll like you better when you kill a kitten_

James immediately recognised the lyrics and saw Lily snicker at the mistake.

_  
And I'll quote the bible, cause that's where it's written  
"If ye loveth Jesus, ye must kill a kitten"_

_Flush him down the can, hit him with your van,  
Throw him at a train, make him snort cocaine  
Drown him in a lake, bake a kitty cake  
Stick some TNT up his cat poopie  
Do what you must do, as long as you...  
Kill a kitten_

_Killing kittens isn't easy,  
And if the thought makes you feel queasy,  
Grab a pitchfork from the shed,  
And kill a puppy dog instead!_

_  
Kill a kitten, you gotta kill a kitten, a little furry kitten  
Kill a kitten  
Kill...._

There was a gentle meowing in the background and looked down at the tiny kitten in his eyes.

"Give me the cat," Lily said "and I won't tell Alice._  
_

James nodded sadly and handed her the cat, "its not true then. It wasn't a way to make you love me better."

"No, I'm afraid not, James," Lily said slowly. "Who told you to?"

"Padfoot."

"Don't trust Sirius Black with such things, goodnight, Potter," she said standing.

"Night," he said slowly, watching her leave.


End file.
